Transitions to Motherhood and How that Changes Your Identity: The Gray Area

Ikigai is a Japanese concept that is translated as a reason for being or a reason to wake up in the morning.

When I became a mother, something miraculous happened. Well, obviously. Birth in itself is a miracle. The fact that your body 3D prints a tiny human being…the whole thing is wild. But I’m not here to talk about childbirth. I’m here to talk about what happens to you afterwards.

Your body changes. Your hormones change. Your schedule changes. And with all of this comes something even bigger – a change in your identity.

Who you are and what you identified with so closely before may no longer resonate.

I’ll first speak from experience. When I became a mother, I had worked in real estate acquisitions & development for 8 years. This was (I didn’t quite grasp at the time) an integral part of my identity. But 10 months after having a baby, I quit. I couldn’t go back to the work I had been doing. It didn’t feel like me anymore. I physically could not bring myself to focus on the numbers anymore. They were completely meaningless to me.

I soon discovered I also was not built to be a stay-at-home mom, either. So where did I fall on the spectrum? Somewhere in the middle. In the gray area no one talks about. Balancing the demands of motherhood with personal aspirations is a very delicate act. The challenge lies in finding equilibrium between nurturing your child and nurturing your individuality. I found that acknowledging this struggle was the first step towards creating a harmonious balance.

I didn’t realize how central my career had been to my identity until I quit. I also didn’t realize how this would make it so much harder to talk to those around me. I wasn’t a working mom going to an office 40+ hours/week anymore, but I also wasn’t a stay-at-home mom with my kids all day. I was carving out my in between, finding work that was more aligned and could be more flexible, and that was all incredibly hard to explain. I found myself avoiding the topic altogether at dinner parties and events.

While motherhood may reshape your identity, it doesn't mean losing touch with your passions and interests. In fact, the journey of motherhood can be a catalyst for self-discovery, as it was for me. I set out on a journey to reconnect with my passions, which had to start with reconnecting with myself. This was no easy feat after severe burnout and a new baby to take care of. I started by developing an unwavering self-care practice – one that included meditation, journaling, breathwork, aromatherapy, regular therapy, conscious movement and plenty of rest (normalize naps!). I noticed that the healthier I ate, the more connected I felt spiritually. This stage was also paired with a deep dive into astrology and a few too many crystals, but more on that another time.

Most importantly, I set boundaries for the first time in my entire life. I told people what I really needed rather than what they wanted to hear. In fact, I found that almost instantly upon becoming a mother it became so easy to say no. It felt like a superpower. This is coming from a recovering people pleaser of the highest degree. Motherhood has a way of crystallizing what is most important to you. Partially because you don’t have time for much else! Though it might have been jarring at the time to some of my friends and family – when it’s new, many have a tendency to overcorrect at first – this was the most important step in my process. Clear out the old to make way for the new. Simple as that.

Once I had done the inner work to heal and regain my energy and sense of self, I began to do some good old fashioned Ikigai. For those new to this, Ikigai is a Japanese concept that is translated as a reason for being or a reason to wake up in the morning. It is often represented as a Venn diagram where four elements intersect:

What you love (your passion)

What you are good at (your vocation)

What the world needs (your mission)

What you can be paid for (your profession)

The sweet spot where all of these elements overlap is considered your Ikigai.

Now, this post is not meant to be a guide on finding your career. No. You can find plenty of that elsewhere. I bring this up because after you have a baby, you might find that your answers to 1-4 have changed. Motherhood prompts a reassessment of priorities. The once-crystal-clear hierarchy of needs and desires may shift, leading to a reevaluation of what truly matters. This shift is not a surrender of personal goals but a recalibration to align with the newfound responsibilities and joys of motherhood.

Your reason for being has changed. So, the way you interact with the outside world may feel it has to change as well. It is so important to take inventory during this time. To clearly write out what matters to you today, and not just assume that it was the same as what mattered to you in days or years past. Similar to what Lacy Phillips’ describes as your Magnetic Code, what are your 4 authentic pillars? (If you have not yet heard of Lacy Phillips’ To Be Magnetic work, I highly recommend checking that out). I also found that my conventional definitions of success needed to be reevaluated during this transitional phase. Success can take on new meanings as you learn to appreciate the small victories, both in your professional and personal life. Redefining success can help alleviate the pressure and allow for a more fulfilling experience. For me, that meant focusing more on balance than on achievement.

I knew intuitively that I needed to help people. Women in particular. Being in this world has opened my eyes to the profound and often jarring transitions that women go through, and the way in which I am uniquely positioned to help. This work is truly my Ikigai, my soul’s calling.

As you navigate the intricate web of motherhood and witness the evolution of your identity, remember that this journey is uniquely yours. Embrace the beauty in the chaos, the strength in vulnerability, and the continuous process of self-discovery. Motherhood is not a static state but a dynamic, transformative experience that shapes, molds, and enriches your identity in ways unimaginable. Through the challenges and triumphs, you emerge not just as a mother but as a beautifully transformed and empowered version of yourself.

If any of this resonates with you, let’s connect.